Wow, I can’t believe it’s already been an entire whole year since I last saw you. It feels like you’re still at the hospital, getting treatment and complaining about how uncomfortable hospital beds are. I always catch myself finding something funny that you would laugh at too, but then remembering that I can’t share it with you. Some days are better than others, but every day is a struggle without you holding my hand through the tough parts. You would think that after a year, the pain would go away a little, yet I still feel the sting of a fresh wound on my heart whenever you cross my mind. Time doesn’t make the pain any less – it just makes it easier to forget.
But, I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget all the memories we shared together, all the weird habits you had that I slowly picked up without even realizing it. I don’t want to forget the way your hugs felt or how you always smelled like a combination of fresh laundry and cigarette smoke. Unfortunately, life has a way of sucking me into all the irrelevant things that are going on, and I tend to shift my focus. Today has been a really hard day, not just because it’s the one year anniversary, but because I won’t be able to visit you today. Instead, I’m in Austin, for a reason that’s pretty pathetic and shameful. What kind of daughter chooses to go out of town over her own dad? I feel like even after you passed, I keep making other things a priority over you – something that I did way too often when you were still around. It’s like, no matter how hard I try to be a good daughter, I subconsciously revert back to same old destructive habits. I can’t figure this out, and it’s driving me insane.
I did visit your grave on Father’s Day. People were everywhere in the cemetery with picnic stuff, which made it feel like a true celebration. I got there, and I didn’t really say much to you at all. I keep visiting you, yet I can’t even bring myself to talk to you out loud and actually say all the things I’ve wanted to say for the past 19 years. I’ve never been good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, so I guess it makes sense that I can’t tell you what I’m thinking or what’s been going on lately. This is one of the reasons why I made this blog, to put into words all the things I want to say, but can’t because hearing myself say them is too much for me to bear right now. I guess this is the best I can do for now, but I’m hoping that one day I’ll be able to talk out loud to you and about you without blubbering all over myself. Until then, I’ll continue writing these letters to you, hoping that you can hear me and know that I still love you and miss you so so much.
So much love it hurts,